I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
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I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
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Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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