the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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