If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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