Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
People in love make me want to vomit
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
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i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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