I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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