Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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