My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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