how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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