he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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