Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
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My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Everclear isn't food dammit
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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