I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
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why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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