yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
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I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just found a bag of teeth...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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