I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
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Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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