4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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