The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
we're so committed to being not committed
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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