I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
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Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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