I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
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Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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