Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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