we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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