Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
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Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
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Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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