Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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