I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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