why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
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Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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