that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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