That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
