You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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