in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
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Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize