Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
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Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
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You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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