his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize