His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
so much tequila, so little girl.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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