cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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