he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
