apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
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Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
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You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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