you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
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Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
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Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You are a genius and a whore.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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