I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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