there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize