im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
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It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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