I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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