My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
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I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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