oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
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Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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