No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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