Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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