Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
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Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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