Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
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I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
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You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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