I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
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Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
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I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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