you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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