Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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