Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
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Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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