Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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