Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
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On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
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This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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